Tom Waits for No Man

The second place entry, from Justin S., is a short piece but perfectly illustrates the wonderful concert banter that Mr. Waits provides on stage:

When I was a kid I used to ride my bicycle everywhere around town. One time as I was riding around I asked myself, “Tom, how many breaths would I have to take in order to deprive the world of oxygen?”

Pondering this kept me busy for the rest of the ride. As I’ve gotten older my thinking has become more realistic. Now instead of the whole world I’m just trying to get one room at a time. So in conclusion if you ever see me out in public at a bar or restaurant and I look like I’m hyperventilating, just relax. It’s my hopeless attempt at mass murder.

I just heard back from Mark C., 1st place winner of the Tom Waits writing contest. So with out further ado, here is the winning entry.

Notes from the author:

An imagined Prairie Home Companion interview with Tom Waits is purely an act of fiction from the blazingly brilliant mind of Mark _____ and it’s sole purpose is to win this essay contest…
This is an original work of fiction. There are no (to the best of my knowledge) direct quotes from Mr. Waits or Mr. Kiellor, nor do I think this interview should ever take place.
No kittens, mountain lions, blue tick hounds, Busters Poindexter or Bob Dylan (who is probably the poor man’s Woody Guthrie) were harmed during the production of this work.
Winning Entry:

Garrison Kiellor: We’re back here at the Prairie Home Companion…Our special guest, who needs no introduction, is an actor and renowned musician…he has been described as the poor man’s Bob Dylan, won’t you please welcome raconteur extraordinaire…Mister Tom Waits..
(applause)
Tom Waits: Well Thank you for the overtly verbasic intro Garrison…uh…poor man’s Bob Dylan?
GK: I’d read it on a blog somewhere…I..
TW: You know a few years ago I was in a film by Jim Jarmusch called Down By Law…and he said he cast me for the part of Lee Baby Simms because I looked like I had a good face for radio…
GK: Huh…Well I understand you’re getting ready for a tour of sorts…I…uh…oh…good face for radio…got you…I forgot to add provocateur extraordinaire in the intro.
TW: Tis better kill a mockingbird than mock a killing bird if you uh, catch my drift.

GK: Well sure…yeah…So…any new projects? Music or pictures?
TW: Well…I’ve been working on a few new things, mainly a sequel to the John Lurie film Fishing With John.
GK: I’m not sure I’m familiar with it.
TW: John Lurie put together a faux documentary of sorts where he went fishing around the world with several people..uh…Dennis Hopper, who is the poor man’s Marlon Brando…myself, Matt Dillon, Jim Jarmusch and Willem Dafoe who is the rich man’s Mickey Rourke…
GK: Gotcha…So you’re going to do a fishing picture.
TW: Uhhh no Garrison, actually it’s going to be a welding picture. I love to weld things and I look great in the mask so… I figured why not.
GK: Sure…why not…
TW: Gonna call it Welding With Tom.
GK: Catchy…
TW: Yep
(Extended silence)
GK: Hmm
TW: See, I’m gonna start out in Bahrain welding a barbeque out of a 55 gallon drum with Michael J Fox, who is the poor man’s….
GK: Gotcha…ok I apologize.
TW: Hehuhhehe…anyway…then I repair a front end loader with Louie Anderson in Lincoln, Nebraska and on to New York City where me and Harvey Keitel …and I’m not sure who’s poor man he is by the way…and uh..we tack weld a schwinn to the side of David Johansen’s 76 Caddy.
GK: Huh…sounds uh fascinating.
TW: Yeah…I mean I’m…uh…real excited about it.
GK: Well sure…
TW: Yep..
(extended silence)
GK: So…what does Tom Waits do to unwind?
TW: I’m right here Garrison. You can ask me.
GK: Do you have any hobbies?
TW: Hobbies? No. I like to refer to them as alternative career strategies.
GK: ok
TW: I like to invent things.
GK: Great…
TW: Right now I’m working on de-tuning this blue tick hound…
GK: How do you de-tune…or maybe why?…
TW: Well we got this cute little kitten for our kids and where we live in California, there’s these mountain lions, and I uh… never thought it would happen, but…you know I’d hearda dog eat dog but this was ridiculous.
GK: A mountain lion ate your kitten?
TW: No…a mountain lion ate my kids’ kitten… but that’s neither here nor there…anyway, I get to reading up on mountain lions and I come to find out that they have this aversion to dogs that bark two octaves below F minor…It scares ‘em.You see the Germans experimented with sound during World War II. They wanted to strike fear into the subconscious of the enemy by using sound waves, but all they ever accomplished was getting their..uh test subjects to shit themselves.
GK: So you bought the kids a blue tick hound to replace the little kitty?
TW: No I bought ME a blue tick hound to scare the bejesus out of the big kitty.
GK: Ok…
TW: The only problem is that most dogs bark in a key that’s only one octave below F minor, so I devised a contraption to de-tune him.
GK: Does it hurt?
TW: To shit yourself?
GK: NO..I
TW: I mean, it may bruise the ego in a fashion, but I assure you it’s only temporary. Besides, I was only using the German’s experiment in an illustrative capacity.
GK: Oh…
TW: I don’t think a dog barking could actually make you shit yourself.
GK: Hmm
TW: Unless of course, you were really, really afraid of him.
GK: So the experiment is going well?
TW: Or he snuck up on you…then it’s possible naturally…
GK: Naturally…sure…So your plan seems to be working then?
TW: Yeah..it’s going in the right direction. I’m going to patent it so I can’t tell you exactly how it works, but it involves a proprietary blend parsley juice and linseed oil. Lots of time…
GK: Well good luck with it.
TW: No luck involved my friend…no luck at all.
GK: Tom Waits ladies and gentleman…

The End

Well the contest is over and the winners have been selected.  I’m just waiting to hear back from them before I post their stories.  We got some really great entries and it was a hard decision to make.  However, with great difficulty, we choose the best stories the really speak in the voice of our favorite junkyard dog.

I want to once again to extend great thanks to both of our judges, Sarah V and Jarlath who took a great deal of time going through the  stories that were sent in.  In the end, we had about 75 pages of entries and they took time to read each one.  Additionally, a huge thank you must be extended to Sarah V who provided the extra ticket to make this contest possible.  It is the kind of generoisity that we have come to expect from our resident radio star but it is always greatly appreciated.

Please come back soon to see the winning entries and I’ll see you in Memphis.

Looks like everyone is stepping up to the plate on this little tour in regards to scalpers:

Tom Waits tickets that have been purchased via resale sites such as eBay and StubHub.com will not be accepted at any of Waits’ upcoming shows.

Because all eight dates of his tour immediately sold out, many tickets have been available for sale online and through ticket brokers. Tickets sold from these entities are assumed to be fraudulent, and many tickets may also be counterfeit.

[Via: Paste Magazine :: News :: Tom Waits Tickets Bought on eBay Won’t Be Accepted (Page 1)]

Just a reminder, all entries must be in for the writing contest must be in by tomorrow, July 19th at 11:59 PM CDT. Currently we have received 16 entries so your chances are still very good.

I’m not going to be able to get the forums into a good working shape any time soon.  And, to be frank, there isn’t much point anyway.  There are already an excellent set of forums run by Josiah of TomWaitsFan.com.  So instead of trying to build a competing community, I’m going to point my forum link there.  Please sign up.  They have a great group of folks and all of the Tom Waits talk you could ever want.

Found this little story describing the huge grab for tickets in Asheville. While, I’m pretty sure, that with the exception of Chicago, all tickets are sold out at this point, this is the first official notice that a show was full up:

Every ticket for a first-ever Asheville show by legendary and reclusive folk singer Tom Waits, Aug 2 at Wolfe Auditorium, was sold in 20 minutes Friday morning, concert promoter AC Entertainment of Knoxville reports.

[Via: CITIZEN-TIMES.com: Fans devour Waits tickets]

The contest is now closed.  Be sure to check back on Friday for the winning stories.  Thanks to all those that entered.
Well, it’s been an exciting time and the fight for tickets has been fierce. However, for all those who haven’t gotten a ticket to a show yet, here’s a fun way to win one for free. With the generous help of the famous SarahV, I’ve arranged for two tickets to be given away for the Memphis show on August 4th. To decide the winner, I’m putting together a writing contest for the best “Tom Waits” story.

The man of the hour is famous for his anecdotes, stories and downright lies. Well, here’s your chance to match your writing talents with his wits. Write your best imitation Tom Waits anecdote. You know something about making your own cologne or about stray civil war bullets. However, make sure it’s original; we’ve got a crack judging staff whose Tom Waits knowledge is infinitely deep so you won’t be able to pull a quick one.

Put together an entry and email it to writingcontest@radicalwacko.com. All entries must be in by Wednesday, July 19th at 11:59 PM CDT. The authors of the top two stories will each win a single (1) ticket to the Memphis show. These are pretty darn good tickets. Row H, just a bit off to stage right. It should be a very good view. The winners will be notified on Friday, July 21st and the winning stories will be posted here.

Joining me as judges are Sarah V. and Jarlath G. off the RainDogs mailing list. Thanks to them for making this possible. Have fun and I look forward to reading some great stories.

JJ, who runs the fabulous tomwaitsfan.com forums, has set up a forum specifically for trading tickets for the upcoming Orphans tour. All tickets will be traded at face value which is only right for the true Tom Waits fan.

So if you have an extra ticket or are looking for one, head on over.

Thanks to Sarah V for finding this one.

It’s been five years since Sparklehorse last put out an album, but at long last a new recording will be released on September 25th. Also exciting, the album, which is titled Dreamt for Light Years in the Belly of a Mountain, will feature a guest performance by Tom Waits:

The new release also features guest appearances by a bevy of stars, including Dangermouse, Tom Waits, The Flaming Lips’ Steven Drodz and producer Dave Fridmann (Mercury Rev), who was a major contributor to It’s A Wonderful Life.

[Via:Cult Favourite Sparklehorse Return After Five-Year Absence]

In related trivia, front man Mark Linkous produced Late Great Daniel Johnston: Discovered Covered which featured the cover of King Kong by Tom Waits.

The famous Sarah V. found a copy of the concert poster for the upcoming Orphans Tour while browsing around. Don’t know if it’s official or not, but it sure looks it.

In an interview with Indiewire.com, Patricia Foulkrod mentions that she has included a song by Tom Waits in her new documentary “The Ground Truth: After the Killing Ends”. The song featured is “The Day After Tomorrow”.

The Cottars, a celtic tinged group from Nova Scotia, have two Tom Waits covers on their recent album Forerunner.  The album features covers of both Georgia Lee and Hold On which originally appeared on Waits’ Mule Variations album.

Additionally, they are currently on tour and frequently perform Waits covers.  Has anyone out there heard them live?

I’ve got another huge list of catch up posts to make. I won’t cover everything, but I’ll do my best to get things back in order.

To begin, Tom Waits has won his suit against Audi for musical and vocal impersonation:

Tom Waits has won a landmark legal victory in Spain, establishing his moral rights in a case brought against car manufacturer Volkswagen-Audi (VAESA) and a Spanish production company for adapting one of Waits’ songs and impersonating his voice in a television commercial.
. . .
The commercial, for Audi cars, was originally screened in Spain in 2000. As well as having much the same melodic structure as the Tom Waits’ song ‘Innocent When You Dream’, the commercial’s music was arranged like the song and featured a Tom Waits’ vocal impersonation.

Via:The Auto Channel News

This should bode well for his pending suit against Opel for a similar violation.

Well the work load hasn’t gotten any better. However, I really miss working on the site and have decided that a little personal time is a good thing. So, I’m gonna start posting again and am thrilled to return at such an exciting time in the Tom Waits world.

There have been a few changes to the site to get things back up and running. The forums had been completely destroyed by hackers and spammers. I have been unable to get the old phpbb forums back up so I’ve had to start from scratch. I’m using the CommunityServer software this time and hopefully it will take a little less maintenance. The forums are a bit ugly right now but I’ll work on getting them in a bit of a working state over the next few days.

I’ve also added a new feature to the site, namely the Tom Waits for No Man Store. You can now order all of your Tom Waits merchandise (CDs, DVDs, etc) through this site. All purchases are fulfilled via Amazon so you can also search through their entire catalog of stuff. Any purchases are the same price as you would get on Amazon but also help to support this site.

Well, I’m glad to be back and look forward to hanging around.